Is this the real life?

“…The first time you were happy when you woke up in the morning, full of plans you wanted to accomplish…” He fell silent.

“When was that?” Kate wanted to know.

“That one hasn’t happened yet,” he admitted. “Maybe tomorrow.”

“Maybe so,” she murmured, closing her eyes.

My great day, oddly enough, started with a nightmare. About a vampire witch from 1910 hunting me down in an alternate universe. Actually, here’s the more in-depth story - trust me, it’s a doozy.

My parents and I are traveling marriage counselors. So, we’re seeing this couple, slightly middle-aged. Apparently they’re mainly there for the husband. His wife shows us a picture of them, and it first it seems obvious that the husband is unhappy. It’s a picture of them standing in a hallway - she’s smiling and he’s frowning something fierce. And so we go on about trying to cheer this man up and fix their marriage… but as the dream goes on, I look more closely at the picture… There is a deck of cards floating in the air, as if by themselves, like magic. And next to them standing in the hallway, there is a door, and out that door claws are reaching at the man. And she’s just smiling. At this point, the dream started to get REALLY creepy when I realized that something was up with the wife… who bore a strange resemblance to a watered-down Kathy Griffin. I think that this is most likely irrelevant.

So, once I start to notice something is wrong, so do my parents. And when I confront the wife, all Hell breaks loose. The dream gets a little hazy here, I admit. Somehow this transitions into a group of specter-like vampires infiltrating this place where we were “counseling” the “couple”. Turns out, they’re like this gang of crazy vampire. Except some of them are very adamant about not killing humans (the…nice ones, I guess) but the leader, crazy vampire witch (we’ll call her Kathy), is not taking it well. She loves her some human. And when she realizes that about 80% of her clan is going to betray her, she freaks. At this point, I see my parents run off into the hills, and they never reappear in the dream after this.

So, she throws some lightning bolts and does some really cool explosions. Kathy actually reminded me a lot of Voldermort. Basically, she’s this evil tyrant with a wicked temper and lack of general feelings… you know, other than hate. So, anyhow, her vampire clan begins to scatter. Only two or three of them remained loyal, so the rest run for the hills (and safety). It goes like this (quotes are things actually said):

“Burn in Hell, Jasper!” she yells as she throws some lightning at Jasper… and he explodes.

“Die! All of you, die!”

And the like.

It was all pretty creepy. It sounds silly, but I kept waking up frightened. And then I’d go back to sleep and the dream would then resume. *sigh*

So, after this whole mess, I think a couple months went by and Kathy spent the next few months terrorizing Europe. And then, as I mentioned earlier, my dream changed into another universe or dimension. All of a sudden, it’s like period Europe, or maybe some kind of fantasy world. I’m not really sure. But it was very much a place without technology of any kind and where girls wore dresses and boys wore loose shirts and boots. Like something from a Tamora Pierce novel. Hopefully you get the idea?

So, I (a newly realized vampire hunter) find out that Kathy is in this city/town place, haunting the people and killing a few. So I turn the people against her and organize a team of townspeople to help me vanquish her. And it was kind of graphic, but not too bad. We eventually catch her as she rampages the streets. And, to keep the violence brief, she gets stabbed a few times, beat up and some other lovely things. At the end of it all, I exclaim her death. The girl looked dead. So, we’re triumphant for about four seconds before she sits up and laughs…

“You almost killed me,” she gets up and flies off, “But not quite.”

It just goes from bad to worse. Somehow (I’m not really sure how this happened), she gets the entire universe (actually, the dream only happens in this one place, this one town thing) against me. There are wanted signs, a warrant for my death and all this other great stuff. Kathy eventually seizes control of The Town and begins running it like a well-oiled totalitarian machine. And one thing is clear: my assassination is her priority. But I’ve gone into hiding. And this was the part of the dream I really found interesting, the most novel-like quality of it.

So, I went into hiding. And I can’t really describe it all that well, but I went into a string of different hiding stints -- one at an all boys school, one in a rocky tunnel. Eventually, I woke up and my dream ended on a rather unfinished note. While she hunts me down, I take on a host of identities and meet new people, many who are willing to help me through my troubles. But, alas, my alarm clock went off at 7:40 and the dream came to an end.

I’ll always wonder what happened in the final battle between me and the Vampire Witch who looked like Kathy Griffin.