Do you every think how strange it is how things just don’t seem to change?
That you could be gone for months, totally removed from your family physically (for those too far to commute on weekends), and when you return all’s the same? You know, last year I didn’t seem to notice this. I was too bright-eyed with my first year of college and excited to be home to just sit and observe my family. But the past two days I’ve done just that. Sat, read and done very uneventful events while taking the time to just look and think about them. It has been too busy for them to simply drop everything and adore my presence. But again: this has given me time to note that they can function without me. Not to be too dismal - that’s really not where this is going - but it is just a strange feeling to know that life could go on without you. Not to say that I’m not wholly loved by my family. What I mean to say is that if I moved somewhere far away forever, it would be a sad but not a life-altering affair. They would miss me, write to me and always love me, but it would not stop them from living.
This is a bit more elaborate than what I had thought to actually say. It goes back to that age-old mystery about death. To know that when I die I will eventually be forgotten frightens me a little more than the dying itself.
I almost wish the world would stop spinning with me.
Geez, this is kind of a downer. I promise this isn’t intended to be so. I was actually just thinking about it yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner when we were talking about my grandfather who passed away four years ago. When he died, I didn’t think my mother would ever smile again. It was really hard to see other people like that. And I knew, just knew, that my mom would never be happy ever again. But the curious thing is that she is. She still misses and loves her father, but she’s done what was necessary to trudge on. She’s happy. And that brings me to my brighter observation:
That humans have the ability to reconcile the saddest things within themselves. Now, not all people do come to terms, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t possible. Strings tighten and loosen every day, and the world always turns regardless. I think that’s wonderful, to be part of something that is constantly in motion. A world that is constantly crying and constantly laughing and growing.
So, while I noticed this most interesting turn of events, I also noticed how much my family loves me. I’d be sad if they really needed me - it’s almost an honor to be wanted rather than needed. And this ends my ridiculous attempt at philosophy. Which was unintended and rather silly.
On another note:
We need to talk, friends and peers of mine.
I’m glad you all think that calling me five times from Westwood, California after the trauma I endured at the hands of an unwitting cell phone last week is hilarious. It’s great. Really.
To those of the uninformed, one of my very sweet roommates (who I’m positive does this innocuously) uses her cell phone as an alarm. For the past two or three days before leaving for this break, her cell phone would stir me at early hours in the morning playing… Yes, that’s right… “Baby” by Justin Bieber. And she, unfortunately, lacked the knowledge to set her snooze for an hour. So instead that song would sound off every ten minutes for at least one hour every morning. Once it played twice straight while she was in the bathroom. And the last day before break she had to leave at five in the morning, so, of course, I was greeted by The Biebs at four thirty in the morning. Over and over again.
And if this wasn’t bad enough, being half-asleep, half-awake, I began have dreams starring J Biebs. Yeah. Great. The last night, with the four thirty and the morning and the grumpiness, I had a complete dream with him in it. He came to Simpson and convinced me he could sing really well, that he was in fact twenty and was misunderstood and not a troll at all. VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE!
So, yes, those of you from Westwood who called me singing this song FIVE TIMES AND THEN HANGING UP know who you are. And, well… I know where to find you.
Toodle Pip.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
How to Find a Man, A Book Written By Complete Idiots
What has happened to our world? WHAT? WHAT? Yes, it is called Elixir (or, as the cover states, elixir). By Hilary Duff - yes, that Hilary Duff. You know that world is a dark, scary place when a book written by Lizzie McGuire is a NEWYORK TIMES BEST SELLER! What? WHAT? And, what’s worse, when I went in search of affirmation that the world is not chalk-full of dingbats (aka, seeking professional reviews), I was not affirmed. At. All. GOOD REVIEWS! ALL OF THEM! I search for reputable sources, but found few. I did found this tidbit from The New York Post, though: “It has everything: romance and the supernatural; a globe-trotting Hillary Clinton-esque mom; characters with names like Sage and Clea...and a shout-out to Page-Six!” And here is a snippet from yet another favorable review: “Hilary Duff has given paranormal a whole new spin. Elixir has a fresh voice, great plot twists and an ending that left me wanting the next book in the series. Though I couldn't get into the beginning of the book like I wanted to, when the plot twists and the love triangle intensify with Clea, Sage and Ben, I was hooked and couldn't stop reading it. A powerful centuries old secret reveals some character twists, uncovers a great mythology and makes for a fascinating plot.” What? WHAT?
In all of my seeking out professional and customer reviews alike, I only found a couple of unfavorable reviews. Rather than spit the plot out to you (and since most of the people who actually read my blog were there for Becca’s interpretive reading of this mind-numbing swill), I’ll post two different reviews. One is a logical, thoughtful review that is actually better written than the book. The second is entertaining and attacks the book on a personal level.
1. A review by E.A Solinas @ Amazon
“Disclaimer: I have no real opinion on Hilary Duff. I haven't heard her music, and my only exposure to her movies was a two-minute cameo in Human Nature. Too bad her debut book is a lackluster limp lump of lifelessness. "Elixir" isn't a devastatingly bad paranormal romance, but it is crammed with cliches, clumsily written, and has a protagonist so Mary Suish that it burns.
After a vacation trip across Europe with her friend Rayna, Clea Weston discovers that a ageless hot guy has been stalking her across Europe. He's also in all photographs of/by her, and she's having dreams about past lives with him. And during an otherwise pointless trip to Rio, she finally encounters the man, who is named Sage.
Sage turns out to be connected to Clea's father, who has been presumed dead for months, and the Elixir of Life he was searching for. And after discovering her father's data on the Elixir (courtesy of REALLY IMPROBABLE GUESSES), she and her friends Ben and Rayna accompany Sage on a... very leisurely quest to discover the truth.
It feels like someone told Hilary Duff, "Paranormal romance is hot right now! Just write a plotless book with a bland heroine, sexy boys, and some supernatural stuff!", so she dashed off "Elixir" over the weekend. This is one of the blandest, most cliched paranormal romances I have ever read; it feels like it was made with Mad Libs.
Part of this is because Duff's writing is terrible -- her style is as bland as cold oatmeal, and it's full of leaden infodumps, repetition (Sage is always "magnetic!"), and cheesy descriptions that are trying to be poetic ("endless swirling mass of inky black nothingness"). And the dialogue will make you want to claw off your ears, especially when Duff tries to be romantic or funny ("Wow. He must spend a fortune on eBay").
To make matters more confusing, Duff stuffs the story with all sorts of confusing, inconsistent stuff about fate, and pads it with pointless scenes that add nothing (time to talk about cinnamon buns, sex and clothes!). Even worse, half the supernatural concepts in here like the reincarnation and the incubus/angel theory are TOTALLY NEGLECTED. They contribute nothing!
Finally, the ending is confusing, anticlimactic, and solves nothing... which means a sequel is probably is probably in the works.
Clea isn't as repulsive as many paranormal romance heroines... but she's still boring and immature. And even worse, she's a Mary Sue -- a wealthy yet humble girl who also happens to be a globetrotting teenage photojournalist. And a worldwide megacelebrity. AND a Krav Maga expert who becomes helpless at convenient times. Does she also sing like a nightingale and have rainbow hair?
Sage is basically a blank slate with "Mysterious Love Interest" stamped on his face, and Ben is just pushy and annoying. Almost all the other characters are devoid of personality, and even the antagonists -- who have the ridiculous name "Cursed Vengeance" -- are totally faceless.
"Elixir" is a paint-by-numbers paranormal romance, with no passion and not much of a plot. Hilary Duff, please stick to singing.”
2. A review by Morgan Leigh @ Amazon
“I'm warning you now. This is more of a rant than a cohesive, intelligent review. It will be filled with spoilers and un-ladylike language, so people of delicate sensibilities take heed.
I like Hilary Duff. I grew up with her in Lizzie Maguire, and even rocked the Lizzie hairstyle for a while. I think she has grown into a nice young starlet as opposed to, well, Lindsey Lohan.
I was curious about this book after seeing her name on it. I was interested. How much of it did Hilary actually write? Did she just tell Elise Allen "write about soulmates" and then go and get a manicure? Or did she come up with plot herself, with Elise Allen only writing it down on paper? I think, after reading it, that I know the answer. I believe this is how the conception of this book transpired:
Hilary's manager walks into Borders mistakenly, absolutely absorbed into keying things into his Blackberry. It is only when he walks into a table, toppling over a pile of books, that he looks up and acknowledges his surroundings. "Hey! This isn't Saks!" But then his eye is drawn to a picture of Lauren Conrad on the back of Sweet Little Lies. He smirks, because he has his suspicions how much of the book Lauren actually wrote. Surprisingly, he sees multiple teenagers in the check-out line with the book in hand. "Hmmpp", he thinks, "Hilary is ten times prettier and smarter and nicer than LC". Then a brilliant idea forms in his head. Hilary's name + YA book = new sports car. Excitedly, he gathers a copy of every YA book in the store and rushes back to the office to make some phone calls. "Hey, Hilary, babe....how would you like to write the ultimate YA book? "
Next time, Hilary, just say no.
This book infuriated me. How stupid do publishers think teens are? This is the same typical formula for every other YA paranormal book out there, except wrapped up in a different dress.
There was nothing special about it. No spark. The writing was dead and lifeless, as were all the characters. I was bored out of my mind with the predictability of it all when I wasn't in a rage of seething hot fury.
Clea Raymond, the narrator, is horrible. She has no personality, and nothing that distinguishes her from every other YA heroine out there. Her name is also too close to "Claire" for my liking, and those of you who've read my other rants know my reasoning for that. Clea is a stupid, vapid girl, who became absolutely insufferable after she discovered *ahem* tru wuv. That's right, folks, she has a soulmate. But don't be too jealous of her now. She also has the inexplicable burden of being caught in the middle of a love triangle. What would a YA book be without one of those? Of course, Clea had no idea her BFF Ben, had feelings for her until he started being a jealous prick. Clea, you give a bad name to women everywhere. We are girls. We always know. Platonic friends, my ass.
Of course, I could have forgiven the book for this. Love triangles are a staple because they create drama and act as filler. Except this one was so blatantly one-sided. We all know Clea lllllluuuuuurrrrvvvvessss Sage (her soulmate guy), who is also immortal. Clea herself is kind of immortal, but more on that later. I might be spoiling things a little here, but suck it up. I'm trying to save you here. Clea and Sage had known each other less than a week. At first, Clea thought he was a crazy stalker. Then she thought he was a serial killer deadset on sending her to the grave. Then all the sudden they were kissing, telling each other how much they loved each other, and having sex in a car. First off, if a guy (with the exception of Leonardo DiCaprio) lets you lose your virginity in car, he does not really love you. Second off, this guy has been around for 500 years. Do you know how many STDs he could have contracted in that time? I don't care if he's immortal. As my health teacher said, herpes can affect anybody. And lastly, WTF CLEA?!! You have known this guy one week and up until a few hours ago you thought he was going to kill you!!!!!!! WHY! And then of course, from then on, it causes her physical pain to be away from her Sagey-poo. Gag me.
I blame Clea's whore friend, Rayna. Rayna, as Clea describes her, is a "romantic" who finds a new "soulmate" everytime she leaves the house. There are words for those kinds of girls, so don't go beating around the bush. Anyway, Rayna gives Clea the poetic advice of "don't think, just feel" right before Clea goes off alone with Sage, the soulmate/stranger/serial killer. NO NO NO. Think first, Clea, think first!! Do you want to become a statistic? This book is all your fault, Rayna, and I hate you.
When everyone wasn't talking about soulmates, they were trying to figure out the mystery of where Clea's father disappeared to. Of course, the focus of the book turned to Sage as soon as he appeared. But anyway, the beginning was rather slow, but then everything happened like BAM!BAM!BAM!. Any information the reader found out was in clumps under circumstances that were too convenient for my liking. It was frustrating. A part I did enjoy was all of Clea's past lives, but those were clumped up and rushed. I think it would have been better to have them dispersed throughout the novel. The ending was also extremely abrupt with so many questions unanswered, I wanted to punch a baby at first. But then I realized the book was over, so then I felt happy again. Here are a list of my questions/complaints:
1. Does Clea not have to go to school? I'm not sure what time of the year this book is taking place, but Clea is still able to drop everything and go to South America or Japan whenever she feels like it. With only two boys for company.
2. Why do people in Japan know who Clea is? Since when is being a senator's daughter such a flippin' big deal that people on the other side of the world know who you are? I don't even know my Senators' names.
3. Why is Clea's mother so horrible? She just let's Clea have total independence. Want to go to Peru? Go ahead! Guam? Why not! Afghanistan? Be sure to bring lots of sunscreen! And you would think, her daughter apparently being such a big deal and all, she might have Clea assigned a body guard or something? Nope.
4. Why does Clea love Sage? He has no personality. She literally just decides she loves him. They didn't even have great chemistry.
5. Why are Clea and Ben immortal too? I understand Sage, somewhat, since he drank the elixir. But there is not explanation for Clea and Ben to have their souls being reborn again and again, and at random intervals.
6. What's a soul? I know what my definition of a soul is, but this book has me all confused. Why is Clea so talented in some lives, like being a singer, artist, or actress, but has no apparent talent in this life? Does a soul just mean you have the same personality (or lack of it)?
7. Why does Sage show up in Clea's pictures? Why is he sometimes floating and sometimes not? GAH NO SENSE
8. Is this the only time Clea is aware of her past lives?, or has she had the same dreams in her past?
9. Since Ben always seems to be the problem, why don't they just KILL HIM? There, problem solved. See you again in another hundred years.
I'm just so done with these crappy YA paranormals. They are all the same. My intelligence is being insulted.”
Those two summaries pretty much sum up everything I felt - and I only heard the first chapter. Trust me, it was enough. So, the point here I’m trying to make isn’t really about Hilary Duff (I mean, it kind of is, but it's not the over-arching problem) but really about where books like elixir are leading. I feel like we’re grooming our youth to appreciate lackluster literature, settle for less and look for sexiness, mystery and danger in a man. No. This bring me back to Hush, Hush - the message of these books is this:
How to Find a Man, A Book Written By Complete Idiots
Tip 1: Always look for some kind of paranormal qualities. Does he sparkle? Does he howl? Does he have mysterious marks or unexplained absences? Does he seem to know everything about you? Is he always staring at you from across the room like a stalker? Does he stalk you? Good. Does he secretly want to kill you? Does he watch you sleep? Even better. He’s a keeper, and make sure to get yourself into plenty of unintelligible danger so that you can confirm what breed of myth your hunky man is!
Tip 2: If, in the event, you lose your man or he disappears for a long period of time with no explanations (to protect you from himself), go to what we like to call “Hunk Plan B.” He’s only a substitute for when danger knocks on your doorstep again and your hunky supernatural man has no choice but to return to your clutches/come back from the dead. But that may take a few months to a year, so in the meantime keep yourself busy with Hunk B.
Tip 3: Don’t get too serious with Hunk B. Remember, above all, to remain oblivious. Don’t know what the word means? Just remember to keep it innocent. No overbearing makeup or revealing clothing. Keep your eyes wide and doe-like, your tragedy always out in the opening and always refuse to talk about Hunk A when he comes up in conversation (with a look of pain on your face, arms wrapped around yourself). If Hunk B wasn’t falling for you before, this will send him into a tizzy, guaranteed! But again, he’s only temporary.
Tip 4: Like mentioned above, don’t let Hunk B get half as far as Hunk A. Let him think he is stealing a kiss from you in a fit of rage. You know it’s coming, but act surprised (employ ‘doe eyes’ and ‘angry words’) so that he feels guilty for it in the following weeks. This will make you appear even more vulnerable and will set you up for a nice love-triangle when Hunk A returns. Of course Hunk A will win, but let Hunk B writhe in the deluded knowledge that he has a chance with a girl like you.
Tip 5: When Hunk A returns, don’t employ any of those tricks used with Hunk B. Just take him back like he didn’t just ditch you for months without even bothering to consult your intelligence first. You know, if you had any. Just throw your arms around him and go back to disregarding your friends, family and Hunk B. Well done, your supernatural man is back!
Tip 6: Doe eyes and ignorance will be your tools to a paranormal future. When you unwittingly become the source of conflict between Hunk A and B, a clan of supernatural baddies and even your instincts, keep your eyes wide and just stand there. Let Hunks A and B protect you. This road will lead you to a perilous future with Hunk A!
Tip 7: We cannot stress this enough: Don’t listen to your parents, friends or peers if they oppose your super fantastic relationship with your hunk vampire/werewolf/immortal/other mystical man. Especially if 99% of them are in opposition of your paranormal romance with paranormal hunk. What do they know? It’s not like your parents have your best interests at heart (or have lived longer), or that your friends actually care about you. And your peers are biased. They’re jealous - remember that. If everyone tells you to beat it because he’s “bad news”, a “stalker”, “creepy”, “dangerous” or “bad for you”, you’ve got a good one.
Tip 8: Age matters! The older the better! Before you get too serious with your hunk, you need to verify his true age. Sure, he may look seventeen, but beneath his swirling, soulful, dark, handsome eyes there are years of experience. How much? One saying we have here at How to Find a Man is: “Nothing under ninety-five!” Don’t be caught dead (haha!) with a man under four times your age. It’s not right - and we recommend starting at one hundred and twelve. Keep this in mind while choosing your eligible BF.
Tip 9: Having trouble with pesky Hunk B? Yes, we knew this would happen. He was a nice distraction while Hunk A was away, but now that he’s back, you don’t need B anymore. You want to cut him off, but you also want to retain your reputation among both hunks. The best way to do this is by implicating Hunk A in your place so that, rather than you, Hunk B will believe Hunk A is to blame for everything. And vice versa. There are several way to make this happen, but this is a definite favorite: have Hunk A transform you into whatever manner of supernatural he is through bite/drink/scratch/etc. That way you will be repulsive to Hunk B, who happens to be the werewolf to your man’s vampire, or the ghost to your man’s fallen angel, or whatever. But remember! Does eyes and innocence! Oh, the places you’ll go.
Tip 10: Now that you’ve got your man to “change” you, you’re stuck together forever. Congratulations! You’ve snagged your supernatural hunk. Unsure of what to do now? Well, for such conundrums as these, we have the following titles available for the supernatural heroine:
- How to Make Paranormal Babies, Part I
- How to Start a Devastating War, a Step-By-Step Guide on Batting Your Eyelashes
- How to Be Soul Mates Without Actually Having Souls
- Overcoming Vampire Regimes
- So, You and Your Man Ran Out of Elixir? A ‘What Now’ Guide
- Going Back to High School in Order to Maintain Your Anonymity? How to Cope
- How to Look After Those Pesky Fangs
- Werewolf Hair Care: An Annotated Collection
-And many, many more! See your local Borders for more guides By Complete Idiots!
And, really that’s all.
Toodle Pip.
In all of my seeking out professional and customer reviews alike, I only found a couple of unfavorable reviews. Rather than spit the plot out to you (and since most of the people who actually read my blog were there for Becca’s interpretive reading of this mind-numbing swill), I’ll post two different reviews. One is a logical, thoughtful review that is actually better written than the book. The second is entertaining and attacks the book on a personal level.
1. A review by E.A Solinas @ Amazon
“Disclaimer: I have no real opinion on Hilary Duff. I haven't heard her music, and my only exposure to her movies was a two-minute cameo in Human Nature. Too bad her debut book is a lackluster limp lump of lifelessness. "Elixir" isn't a devastatingly bad paranormal romance, but it is crammed with cliches, clumsily written, and has a protagonist so Mary Suish that it burns.
After a vacation trip across Europe with her friend Rayna, Clea Weston discovers that a ageless hot guy has been stalking her across Europe. He's also in all photographs of/by her, and she's having dreams about past lives with him. And during an otherwise pointless trip to Rio, she finally encounters the man, who is named Sage.
Sage turns out to be connected to Clea's father, who has been presumed dead for months, and the Elixir of Life he was searching for. And after discovering her father's data on the Elixir (courtesy of REALLY IMPROBABLE GUESSES), she and her friends Ben and Rayna accompany Sage on a... very leisurely quest to discover the truth.
It feels like someone told Hilary Duff, "Paranormal romance is hot right now! Just write a plotless book with a bland heroine, sexy boys, and some supernatural stuff!", so she dashed off "Elixir" over the weekend. This is one of the blandest, most cliched paranormal romances I have ever read; it feels like it was made with Mad Libs.
Part of this is because Duff's writing is terrible -- her style is as bland as cold oatmeal, and it's full of leaden infodumps, repetition (Sage is always "magnetic!"), and cheesy descriptions that are trying to be poetic ("endless swirling mass of inky black nothingness"). And the dialogue will make you want to claw off your ears, especially when Duff tries to be romantic or funny ("Wow. He must spend a fortune on eBay").
To make matters more confusing, Duff stuffs the story with all sorts of confusing, inconsistent stuff about fate, and pads it with pointless scenes that add nothing (time to talk about cinnamon buns, sex and clothes!). Even worse, half the supernatural concepts in here like the reincarnation and the incubus/angel theory are TOTALLY NEGLECTED. They contribute nothing!
Finally, the ending is confusing, anticlimactic, and solves nothing... which means a sequel is probably is probably in the works.
Clea isn't as repulsive as many paranormal romance heroines... but she's still boring and immature. And even worse, she's a Mary Sue -- a wealthy yet humble girl who also happens to be a globetrotting teenage photojournalist. And a worldwide megacelebrity. AND a Krav Maga expert who becomes helpless at convenient times. Does she also sing like a nightingale and have rainbow hair?
Sage is basically a blank slate with "Mysterious Love Interest" stamped on his face, and Ben is just pushy and annoying. Almost all the other characters are devoid of personality, and even the antagonists -- who have the ridiculous name "Cursed Vengeance" -- are totally faceless.
"Elixir" is a paint-by-numbers paranormal romance, with no passion and not much of a plot. Hilary Duff, please stick to singing.”
2. A review by Morgan Leigh @ Amazon
“I'm warning you now. This is more of a rant than a cohesive, intelligent review. It will be filled with spoilers and un-ladylike language, so people of delicate sensibilities take heed.
I like Hilary Duff. I grew up with her in Lizzie Maguire, and even rocked the Lizzie hairstyle for a while. I think she has grown into a nice young starlet as opposed to, well, Lindsey Lohan.
I was curious about this book after seeing her name on it. I was interested. How much of it did Hilary actually write? Did she just tell Elise Allen "write about soulmates" and then go and get a manicure? Or did she come up with plot herself, with Elise Allen only writing it down on paper? I think, after reading it, that I know the answer. I believe this is how the conception of this book transpired:
Hilary's manager walks into Borders mistakenly, absolutely absorbed into keying things into his Blackberry. It is only when he walks into a table, toppling over a pile of books, that he looks up and acknowledges his surroundings. "Hey! This isn't Saks!" But then his eye is drawn to a picture of Lauren Conrad on the back of Sweet Little Lies. He smirks, because he has his suspicions how much of the book Lauren actually wrote. Surprisingly, he sees multiple teenagers in the check-out line with the book in hand. "Hmmpp", he thinks, "Hilary is ten times prettier and smarter and nicer than LC". Then a brilliant idea forms in his head. Hilary's name + YA book = new sports car. Excitedly, he gathers a copy of every YA book in the store and rushes back to the office to make some phone calls. "Hey, Hilary, babe....how would you like to write the ultimate YA book? "
Next time, Hilary, just say no.
This book infuriated me. How stupid do publishers think teens are? This is the same typical formula for every other YA paranormal book out there, except wrapped up in a different dress.
There was nothing special about it. No spark. The writing was dead and lifeless, as were all the characters. I was bored out of my mind with the predictability of it all when I wasn't in a rage of seething hot fury.
Clea Raymond, the narrator, is horrible. She has no personality, and nothing that distinguishes her from every other YA heroine out there. Her name is also too close to "Claire" for my liking, and those of you who've read my other rants know my reasoning for that. Clea is a stupid, vapid girl, who became absolutely insufferable after she discovered *ahem* tru wuv. That's right, folks, she has a soulmate. But don't be too jealous of her now. She also has the inexplicable burden of being caught in the middle of a love triangle. What would a YA book be without one of those? Of course, Clea had no idea her BFF Ben, had feelings for her until he started being a jealous prick. Clea, you give a bad name to women everywhere. We are girls. We always know. Platonic friends, my ass.
Of course, I could have forgiven the book for this. Love triangles are a staple because they create drama and act as filler. Except this one was so blatantly one-sided. We all know Clea lllllluuuuuurrrrvvvvessss Sage (her soulmate guy), who is also immortal. Clea herself is kind of immortal, but more on that later. I might be spoiling things a little here, but suck it up. I'm trying to save you here. Clea and Sage had known each other less than a week. At first, Clea thought he was a crazy stalker. Then she thought he was a serial killer deadset on sending her to the grave. Then all the sudden they were kissing, telling each other how much they loved each other, and having sex in a car. First off, if a guy (with the exception of Leonardo DiCaprio) lets you lose your virginity in car, he does not really love you. Second off, this guy has been around for 500 years. Do you know how many STDs he could have contracted in that time? I don't care if he's immortal. As my health teacher said, herpes can affect anybody. And lastly, WTF CLEA?!! You have known this guy one week and up until a few hours ago you thought he was going to kill you!!!!!!! WHY! And then of course, from then on, it causes her physical pain to be away from her Sagey-poo. Gag me.
I blame Clea's whore friend, Rayna. Rayna, as Clea describes her, is a "romantic" who finds a new "soulmate" everytime she leaves the house. There are words for those kinds of girls, so don't go beating around the bush. Anyway, Rayna gives Clea the poetic advice of "don't think, just feel" right before Clea goes off alone with Sage, the soulmate/stranger/serial killer. NO NO NO. Think first, Clea, think first!! Do you want to become a statistic? This book is all your fault, Rayna, and I hate you.
When everyone wasn't talking about soulmates, they were trying to figure out the mystery of where Clea's father disappeared to. Of course, the focus of the book turned to Sage as soon as he appeared. But anyway, the beginning was rather slow, but then everything happened like BAM!BAM!BAM!. Any information the reader found out was in clumps under circumstances that were too convenient for my liking. It was frustrating. A part I did enjoy was all of Clea's past lives, but those were clumped up and rushed. I think it would have been better to have them dispersed throughout the novel. The ending was also extremely abrupt with so many questions unanswered, I wanted to punch a baby at first. But then I realized the book was over, so then I felt happy again. Here are a list of my questions/complaints:
1. Does Clea not have to go to school? I'm not sure what time of the year this book is taking place, but Clea is still able to drop everything and go to South America or Japan whenever she feels like it. With only two boys for company.
2. Why do people in Japan know who Clea is? Since when is being a senator's daughter such a flippin' big deal that people on the other side of the world know who you are? I don't even know my Senators' names.
3. Why is Clea's mother so horrible? She just let's Clea have total independence. Want to go to Peru? Go ahead! Guam? Why not! Afghanistan? Be sure to bring lots of sunscreen! And you would think, her daughter apparently being such a big deal and all, she might have Clea assigned a body guard or something? Nope.
4. Why does Clea love Sage? He has no personality. She literally just decides she loves him. They didn't even have great chemistry.
5. Why are Clea and Ben immortal too? I understand Sage, somewhat, since he drank the elixir. But there is not explanation for Clea and Ben to have their souls being reborn again and again, and at random intervals.
6. What's a soul? I know what my definition of a soul is, but this book has me all confused. Why is Clea so talented in some lives, like being a singer, artist, or actress, but has no apparent talent in this life? Does a soul just mean you have the same personality (or lack of it)?
7. Why does Sage show up in Clea's pictures? Why is he sometimes floating and sometimes not? GAH NO SENSE
8. Is this the only time Clea is aware of her past lives?, or has she had the same dreams in her past?
9. Since Ben always seems to be the problem, why don't they just KILL HIM? There, problem solved. See you again in another hundred years.
I'm just so done with these crappy YA paranormals. They are all the same. My intelligence is being insulted.”
Those two summaries pretty much sum up everything I felt - and I only heard the first chapter. Trust me, it was enough. So, the point here I’m trying to make isn’t really about Hilary Duff (I mean, it kind of is, but it's not the over-arching problem) but really about where books like elixir are leading. I feel like we’re grooming our youth to appreciate lackluster literature, settle for less and look for sexiness, mystery and danger in a man. No. This bring me back to Hush, Hush - the message of these books is this:
How to Find a Man, A Book Written By Complete Idiots
Tip 1: Always look for some kind of paranormal qualities. Does he sparkle? Does he howl? Does he have mysterious marks or unexplained absences? Does he seem to know everything about you? Is he always staring at you from across the room like a stalker? Does he stalk you? Good. Does he secretly want to kill you? Does he watch you sleep? Even better. He’s a keeper, and make sure to get yourself into plenty of unintelligible danger so that you can confirm what breed of myth your hunky man is!
Tip 2: If, in the event, you lose your man or he disappears for a long period of time with no explanations (to protect you from himself), go to what we like to call “Hunk Plan B.” He’s only a substitute for when danger knocks on your doorstep again and your hunky supernatural man has no choice but to return to your clutches/come back from the dead. But that may take a few months to a year, so in the meantime keep yourself busy with Hunk B.
Tip 3: Don’t get too serious with Hunk B. Remember, above all, to remain oblivious. Don’t know what the word means? Just remember to keep it innocent. No overbearing makeup or revealing clothing. Keep your eyes wide and doe-like, your tragedy always out in the opening and always refuse to talk about Hunk A when he comes up in conversation (with a look of pain on your face, arms wrapped around yourself). If Hunk B wasn’t falling for you before, this will send him into a tizzy, guaranteed! But again, he’s only temporary.
Tip 4: Like mentioned above, don’t let Hunk B get half as far as Hunk A. Let him think he is stealing a kiss from you in a fit of rage. You know it’s coming, but act surprised (employ ‘doe eyes’ and ‘angry words’) so that he feels guilty for it in the following weeks. This will make you appear even more vulnerable and will set you up for a nice love-triangle when Hunk A returns. Of course Hunk A will win, but let Hunk B writhe in the deluded knowledge that he has a chance with a girl like you.
Tip 5: When Hunk A returns, don’t employ any of those tricks used with Hunk B. Just take him back like he didn’t just ditch you for months without even bothering to consult your intelligence first. You know, if you had any. Just throw your arms around him and go back to disregarding your friends, family and Hunk B. Well done, your supernatural man is back!
Tip 6: Doe eyes and ignorance will be your tools to a paranormal future. When you unwittingly become the source of conflict between Hunk A and B, a clan of supernatural baddies and even your instincts, keep your eyes wide and just stand there. Let Hunks A and B protect you. This road will lead you to a perilous future with Hunk A!
Tip 7: We cannot stress this enough: Don’t listen to your parents, friends or peers if they oppose your super fantastic relationship with your hunk vampire/werewolf/immortal/other mystical man. Especially if 99% of them are in opposition of your paranormal romance with paranormal hunk. What do they know? It’s not like your parents have your best interests at heart (or have lived longer), or that your friends actually care about you. And your peers are biased. They’re jealous - remember that. If everyone tells you to beat it because he’s “bad news”, a “stalker”, “creepy”, “dangerous” or “bad for you”, you’ve got a good one.
Tip 8: Age matters! The older the better! Before you get too serious with your hunk, you need to verify his true age. Sure, he may look seventeen, but beneath his swirling, soulful, dark, handsome eyes there are years of experience. How much? One saying we have here at How to Find a Man is: “Nothing under ninety-five!” Don’t be caught dead (haha!) with a man under four times your age. It’s not right - and we recommend starting at one hundred and twelve. Keep this in mind while choosing your eligible BF.
Tip 9: Having trouble with pesky Hunk B? Yes, we knew this would happen. He was a nice distraction while Hunk A was away, but now that he’s back, you don’t need B anymore. You want to cut him off, but you also want to retain your reputation among both hunks. The best way to do this is by implicating Hunk A in your place so that, rather than you, Hunk B will believe Hunk A is to blame for everything. And vice versa. There are several way to make this happen, but this is a definite favorite: have Hunk A transform you into whatever manner of supernatural he is through bite/drink/scratch/etc. That way you will be repulsive to Hunk B, who happens to be the werewolf to your man’s vampire, or the ghost to your man’s fallen angel, or whatever. But remember! Does eyes and innocence! Oh, the places you’ll go.
Tip 10: Now that you’ve got your man to “change” you, you’re stuck together forever. Congratulations! You’ve snagged your supernatural hunk. Unsure of what to do now? Well, for such conundrums as these, we have the following titles available for the supernatural heroine:
- How to Make Paranormal Babies, Part I
- How to Start a Devastating War, a Step-By-Step Guide on Batting Your Eyelashes
- How to Be Soul Mates Without Actually Having Souls
- Overcoming Vampire Regimes
- So, You and Your Man Ran Out of Elixir? A ‘What Now’ Guide
- Going Back to High School in Order to Maintain Your Anonymity? How to Cope
- How to Look After Those Pesky Fangs
- Werewolf Hair Care: An Annotated Collection
-And many, many more! See your local Borders for more guides By Complete Idiots!
And, really that’s all.
Toodle Pip.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Indelible Courtney W
Sometimes I just think to myself how glad I am that I won’t be working in a lab someday. That I’ll be a dentist being a dentist, not running experiments somewhere to alter the world as we know it. I love biology, really I do, but I’m just not meant to be a laboratory biologist. At. All. And certainly not a chemist. It’s bad enough that my hands never seem to be steady, but I’m so very OBN about my movements and, in the lab, you need to be aware of yourself. Like, when you’re preparing a gel for electrophoresis (as we were today). If you don’t know, the gel looks a little something like this: That’s the lit up gel. Focus on those little wells.
I was first in class and no one else showed up until twenty minutes into lab time. Because of this, it was decided that I was going to have themisfortune privilege of handling the gel. So, as we start the experiment, Trent says: “Courtney, take the gel!” After telling me the box of ten gels costs 100 dollars. So, that’s 10 dollars a gel, and he hands me the gel. Me. Me. I think he saw my look of apprehension (heavens, I just knew this was a bad idea), because he looks at me and says: “It’s pretty hard to mess this up!”
Not even ten minutes later, guess what? Guess what?
Yes, I, Courtney, managed to mess up the gel. And don’t think I didn’t pray silently from the second he handed me that precious, apparently infallible gel. I have a special talent for defying the odds, I must say. I don’t even know what I did, but one minute the gel is perfect and the next the wells are collapsing in on themselves. With a toothpick, the gel was kinda of saved, but was still funny looking. And to this I must say: I could have told you. Don’t give me the gel again. I love lab, really I do, but I cannot handle the stress sometimes of getting everything correct, especially when there is an expensive gel involved. Again, you don’t want me in your laboratories curing your cancer or whatever.
I just realized how awful this sounds considering I do want to work as dentist, usingvery sharp specialized machinery in your mouth. OK, so I actually have no problem with this. I mean, I’ve never actually had much experience in this, but I feel confident in my ability to learn and adapt to the ways to the dentist. I’m just so excited and jazzed to learn - so maybe that confidence is the difference? OHOHOHO~ I can’t wait until dental school. I’m going to be one of those scary, evil dentists and frighten your children into adulthood!!!!!!! But, seriously. Don’t give me the gel again, please.
Oh, Thanksgiving is so soon! Learning a lot about tryptophan in bio right now. Can’t wait to dazzle my relations with my knowledge of tryptophan! TOHOOHOOHOOO!
All's gel that ends gel.
Toodle Pip.
I was first in class and no one else showed up until twenty minutes into lab time. Because of this, it was decided that I was going to have the
Not even ten minutes later, guess what? Guess what?
Yes, I, Courtney, managed to mess up the gel. And don’t think I didn’t pray silently from the second he handed me that precious, apparently infallible gel. I have a special talent for defying the odds, I must say. I don’t even know what I did, but one minute the gel is perfect and the next the wells are collapsing in on themselves. With a toothpick, the gel was kinda of saved, but was still funny looking. And to this I must say: I could have told you. Don’t give me the gel again. I love lab, really I do, but I cannot handle the stress sometimes of getting everything correct, especially when there is an expensive gel involved. Again, you don’t want me in your laboratories curing your cancer or whatever.
I just realized how awful this sounds considering I do want to work as dentist, using
Oh, Thanksgiving is so soon! Learning a lot about tryptophan in bio right now. Can’t wait to dazzle my relations with my knowledge of tryptophan! TOHOOHOOHOOO!
All's gel that ends gel.
Toodle Pip.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Unicorns, Mermaids or Whatever
Last night while having trouble falling to sleep, I ran across this short list of sorts concerning characters and writing. It made me laugh a little; in fact, anyone who writes with any regularity (or has at some point) should know these things, because there‘s just no escaping them. In my reading quest this weekend, this especially called out to me regarding other people’s writing. I read the last in a series (The Study series) I was becoming attached to the series, until this last book. It was... well... uh... hmm... I did enjoy some parts, but others were just very… meh. Lackluster, you could say. The story still held me in some ways, but it bailed out in too many places and the protagonist and her love interest (two catawampus characters in their own rights) just fizzled out. Saving the very end of the first book, I liked the way their romance was handled. But then the second book came along and then third. Eventually, their affairs began to make the book lag. They were well-matched initially, but every time they were together their individuality just went ‘kapoot’.
So, as I was saying:
Planned endings almost never work out.
No kidding. You can plan and plan and plan, but (and to me this is one of the most wonderful parts of writing) nothing ever comes out quite the way you expect it. It as if the story itself is alive - and it has ideas of its own. It becomes what it wants and how it wants. In fact, planned anything rarely becomes what you thought it would be. Instead, it becomes what it should be, whether we like it or not.
Characters have a funny tendency to be themselves and go against your wishes.
This is the same as the ending thing. Only, characters are worse. They tend to be who they want and give you flack about it. It’s just one of those funny little things about characters. They may only be the product of an idea and some pretty words, but once you spend more and more time with them… the more they become clear to you. I may think I know who they are, but once I actually start to write about them… Well, it’s clear who’s really in charge.
Real characters have the ability to make mistakes.
Otherwise known as NOT a Mary Sue. The great thing about your rebellious characters is that they’re human… OK, not always human. You know, if you’re writing about unicorns and mermaids or whatever. But it’s just a turn-of-phrase. What I mean is that they’re most certainly not perfect. They make mistakes, they make bad decisions, they can be mean and selfish. A good example of this kind of character is Howl/Howell from Howl’s Moving Castle. He’s an infamous ‘slitherer’. He is by all accounts weak, scared, selfish and vain, but still manages to be a good person and a very likeable character. But he is still all of these things. He is not perfect and, as the next point covers, doesn’t get away with his selfish behavior.
It means nothing if a character has flaws but don't annoy anyone with them.
I hate to burst this out again, but Bella Swan of Twilight is really a fine example of this. She’s vulnerable, over-dependent, has a chip on her shoulder, a victim and just has a knack for bringing everything to ruin and coming out smelling like a rose. She makes some pretty big mistakes and, really, there’s nothing to her but smelling a certain way and being a catalyst by which a sparkling vampire and “bad boy” werewolf-thing start a quasi-war. Well that and a slew of other life-threatening occurrences. Does anything happen to her? Does anyone think any less of her or, in the slightest bit, reprimand her? Of course not! Why, she’s Bella Swan, brunette/doe-eyed/damsel-in-distress extraordinaire! Flawless! A victim! Innocent! Anyhow, a better example of what this should look like is taken from a novel (Fire by Kristin Cashore) which is one of my unexpectedly favorite books.
Fire is a character (in an alternate, fantasy world) called a “monster”. Basically, there are several varieties of this - dogs, mice, bugs, sky creatures, kittens, humans (though she is the last known human monster), etc - thing called a “monster”. They look like any other creature except that they are brilliantly colored. For example, a monster kitten will look like a kitten in every way, but may be bright pink with yellow paws. Other than their color, they also have the ability to compel others with their beauty and enter and even take the mind. Each creature has varying degrees of this, the human monster greatest of these. Cansrel was Fire’s father and the two of them were the last human monsters. Fire is shockingly beautiful, so beautiful that when she sees her own reflection even she is taken by her beauty. She can even influence the mind and all it entails: change thoughts, compel others to open up about secrets and thoughts that they wouldn’t otherwise share and the like. Basically, their minds are her open book. But here’s the catch: she is afraid of herself.
Fire explores what it’s like to be beautiful and to be hated/lusted/mistrusted for it. At one point in the book, she is so disgusted with life, afraid and so unwilling to accept the love of people who will only die. So she begins to close herself off and think only of herself. But then, in one scene, she is told to “stop sulking like a child”. I mean, the thing here is that she was rightly devastated. She had been through a string of one misfortune after another. She went through a lot. But she was still needed by others and had a chance to make a difference for someone other than herself. After being told, rather harshly, to grow up. Well, she did. It was hard and she needed help, but she knew she couldn’t stay as that hurting person forever.
Even being understandably numb, she was reprimanded and grew so much as a character. Steph-e-nieeee Mey-errrrrr~ In any case, I didn’t mean to turn this into Fire spam. But really, it’s an amazing read.
Mary Sues are characters who have reached the peak of character development by the first chapter.
Since I went into such great depth in the last point, I’ll touch sparingly here. Characters like Nora in Hush, Hush, Bella in Twilight and Jordan in Uninvited: by page ten we’ll know who they are, why they are they way they are and what to expect of them at every turn. What’s the fun in that? Without characters, what is a story? And if we know the characters off-the-bat, why read the story? We read books to learn who we are reading about and why we should care. These characters never change or grow. They are two-dimensional, flat and uninteresting. Floppppppp.
So, this is just a bit of my two sense based of this little list. But, seriously, read Fire.
Toodle Pip.
So, as I was saying:
Planned endings almost never work out.
No kidding. You can plan and plan and plan, but (and to me this is one of the most wonderful parts of writing) nothing ever comes out quite the way you expect it. It as if the story itself is alive - and it has ideas of its own. It becomes what it wants and how it wants. In fact, planned anything rarely becomes what you thought it would be. Instead, it becomes what it should be, whether we like it or not.
Characters have a funny tendency to be themselves and go against your wishes.
This is the same as the ending thing. Only, characters are worse. They tend to be who they want and give you flack about it. It’s just one of those funny little things about characters. They may only be the product of an idea and some pretty words, but once you spend more and more time with them… the more they become clear to you. I may think I know who they are, but once I actually start to write about them… Well, it’s clear who’s really in charge.
Real characters have the ability to make mistakes.
Otherwise known as NOT a Mary Sue. The great thing about your rebellious characters is that they’re human… OK, not always human. You know, if you’re writing about unicorns and mermaids or whatever. But it’s just a turn-of-phrase. What I mean is that they’re most certainly not perfect. They make mistakes, they make bad decisions, they can be mean and selfish. A good example of this kind of character is Howl/Howell from Howl’s Moving Castle. He’s an infamous ‘slitherer’. He is by all accounts weak, scared, selfish and vain, but still manages to be a good person and a very likeable character. But he is still all of these things. He is not perfect and, as the next point covers, doesn’t get away with his selfish behavior.
It means nothing if a character has flaws but don't annoy anyone with them.
I hate to burst this out again, but Bella Swan of Twilight is really a fine example of this. She’s vulnerable, over-dependent, has a chip on her shoulder, a victim and just has a knack for bringing everything to ruin and coming out smelling like a rose. She makes some pretty big mistakes and, really, there’s nothing to her but smelling a certain way and being a catalyst by which a sparkling vampire and “bad boy” werewolf-thing start a quasi-war. Well that and a slew of other life-threatening occurrences. Does anything happen to her? Does anyone think any less of her or, in the slightest bit, reprimand her? Of course not! Why, she’s Bella Swan, brunette/doe-eyed/damsel-in-distress extraordinaire! Flawless! A victim! Innocent! Anyhow, a better example of what this should look like is taken from a novel (Fire by Kristin Cashore) which is one of my unexpectedly favorite books.
Fire is a character (in an alternate, fantasy world) called a “monster”. Basically, there are several varieties of this - dogs, mice, bugs, sky creatures, kittens, humans (though she is the last known human monster), etc - thing called a “monster”. They look like any other creature except that they are brilliantly colored. For example, a monster kitten will look like a kitten in every way, but may be bright pink with yellow paws. Other than their color, they also have the ability to compel others with their beauty and enter and even take the mind. Each creature has varying degrees of this, the human monster greatest of these. Cansrel was Fire’s father and the two of them were the last human monsters. Fire is shockingly beautiful, so beautiful that when she sees her own reflection even she is taken by her beauty. She can even influence the mind and all it entails: change thoughts, compel others to open up about secrets and thoughts that they wouldn’t otherwise share and the like. Basically, their minds are her open book. But here’s the catch: she is afraid of herself.
Fire explores what it’s like to be beautiful and to be hated/lusted/mistrusted for it. At one point in the book, she is so disgusted with life, afraid and so unwilling to accept the love of people who will only die. So she begins to close herself off and think only of herself. But then, in one scene, she is told to “stop sulking like a child”. I mean, the thing here is that she was rightly devastated. She had been through a string of one misfortune after another. She went through a lot. But she was still needed by others and had a chance to make a difference for someone other than herself. After being told, rather harshly, to grow up. Well, she did. It was hard and she needed help, but she knew she couldn’t stay as that hurting person forever.
Even being understandably numb, she was reprimanded and grew so much as a character. Steph-e-nieeee Mey-errrrrr~ In any case, I didn’t mean to turn this into Fire spam. But really, it’s an amazing read.
Mary Sues are characters who have reached the peak of character development by the first chapter.
Since I went into such great depth in the last point, I’ll touch sparingly here. Characters like Nora in Hush, Hush, Bella in Twilight and Jordan in Uninvited: by page ten we’ll know who they are, why they are they way they are and what to expect of them at every turn. What’s the fun in that? Without characters, what is a story? And if we know the characters off-the-bat, why read the story? We read books to learn who we are reading about and why we should care. These characters never change or grow. They are two-dimensional, flat and uninteresting. Floppppppp.
So, this is just a bit of my two sense based of this little list. But, seriously, read Fire.
Toodle Pip.
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